One of my favorite quotes is from psychologist Gordon Allport, who says that “one’s reputation, false or true, cannot be hammered, hammered, hammered into one’s head without doing something to one’s character.
Although Allport is referring to group influence, this statement is powerful because it shows the extent to which words can build or destroy, heal or tear down.
We now know that when it comes to children, the words we use, how we use them, and how often we use them have a great impact on how they see themselves.
The “problem” with children is that they often believe what we tell them, so the words your child hears repeatedly shape his self-image. And children always hear what we tell them or others about them.
Peggy O’Mara says, “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. In other words, our words and phrases shape how our children see and define themselves.
As parents, some of these harmful phrases come so naturally. Sometimes we say them because we know they are harmful, other times we say them because we think they will help shape our children’s behavior, help them change.
Being aware of some of the harmful things we say, or understanding why some of our words or phrases can be harmful, can help us change the way we communicate with our children.
Here are 9 things every parent should eliminate from their vocabulary.
9 things never to say to a child
1) We don’t have the money
When Jenny’s daughter started refusing to eat dessert after her meals, she never suspected it was because she thought the family was struggling and she needed to help in any way she could.
Many of us use this phrase when we don’t want to buy our kids another toy or candy or whatever. But the problem is that putting a financial burden on your child can cause stress and anxiety.
Instead, be honest about your decisions, and if you’re really having a hard time financially, talk to your child about it, but there’s no need to give them too much financial information.
2) You’ll never change/you always…
It has been said that you should never use “always and never” statements with your child (or anyone else for that matter).
These types of statements are never true, and they either make people feel doomed (I’ll never get it) or lead to resentment (They only notice when I don’t… and never notice when I do…).
Yet these statements are so common:
– You never do anything right
– You never clean up
– You’re never helpful
– You always leave your clothes on the floor
– You always get on my nerves
– You always fight with your brother
These types of statements are the worst because they can make your child believe that how you describe them is a fundamental part of their nature, meaning that they cannot change.
So if you could eliminate just two words from your vocabulary, eliminate “always” and “never”.
3) You’re too sensitive
Even if we as parents feel that our children’s reactions are exaggerated, everyone is entitled to their feelings.
Children who are denied their feelings have a harder time dealing with difficult emotions. Saying something as simple as “I understand how you feel” or “I would feel bad too if I got into a fight with my friend…” can help your child feel that his or her feelings are valid.
But if you find that he overreacts a lot, it may be because he hasn’t yet learned how to handle big emotions. Helping him strengthen his emotional intelligence skills is a good place to start. Here are some articles that can help:
Why and How to Talk to Kids About Emotions
5 things emotionally intelligent parents avoid doing
Everything you need to know about raising a sensitive kid
How to tell when your kid’s normal emotions are no longer normal
4) Because I said so
Who hasn’t been tempted to use the perfect parenting phrase, “because I said so”? There’s so much power in those four little words, but the problem is that they create an authoritarian climate that can teach your child to blindly follow the orders of anyone they see as an authority figure.
Instead, explain your choices to your child, but keep it short to avoid getting into endless arguments. Let him know that there are rules to be followed, but that you are willing to listen and be flexible when necessary.
Also, while these words may work with younger children, they rarely work with adolescents.
5) Don’t be so stupid
I hope there’s no need to elaborate on this one.
6) Big girls/boys don’t cry
Crying is a natural response to emotion, yet we always feel like we have to stop our children from crying. Crying is a natural way to deal with emotional situations.
However, it is normal to feel that your child “cries about everything. If this is you, you may want to help them work on expressing their emotions by strengthening their emotion regulation skills and helping them identify different coping mechanisms they can use.
These articles may help:
15 calming strategies every parent should know about
50 simple ways to strengthen your child’s emotional intelligence
This Is How To Raise An Emotionally Intelligent Kid
7) Why can’t you be more like…?
Honestly, I don’t know of any parent who hasn’t said or at least thought these words. Contrary to popular belief, comparing our children to their siblings, classmates, cousins, friends (and now even kids on social media) will not make them want to be more like the kids they are being compared to.
Comparing will only lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and resentment. Worse, teaching your child to compare himself to others will teach him to constantly see others as rivals.
Perhaps the worst thing about comparisons is that they prevent you from helping your child identify and focus on his or her own unique strengths.
Instead of comparing, notice and comment on their strengths and show them that you appreciate them. More importantly, talk about them, not about them in relation to others.
8) I’m leaving and I’m never coming back
Some parents use this threat to show their anger and frustration with their children’s behavior. The problem is that constant use of this kind of threat with a child who is dependent on you can cause lasting anxiety and damage your relationship with them.
The worst thing about threats is that they rarely work. In other words, they have no effect on your child’s behavior.
There are more effective strategies for changing your child’s behavior if you are frustrated with it. Here are some articles with helpful tips on behavior modification strategies that actually work:
A positive discipline strategy that will change your child’s problem behavior
Four common misconceptions that make your discipline strategy ineffective
Five discipline approaches to avoid and what to do instead
9) I wish I’d never had children
Please don’t say this.
Final thoughts on the words you should never say to a child
If you’ve said any of the things on this list to your child, please know that it doesn’t make you a bad parent.
As parents, we’ve all said or done something we regret. No one is perfect when it comes to parenting. But it is important to be more aware of how words can affect your child’s self-image, especially when those words are repeated over and over again.
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