We’ve all heard about kids’ irrational fears of specific things or situations. Turns out that parents have those fears too. Problem is, sometimes fear takes up more space than it should and becomes crippling.
A chorus of voices is saying that parents’ preoccupation with safety is taking away childhood and keeping kids away from independence and discovery. Over-protectiveness has been associated with mental health problems for kids.
Other studies have found that over-protected kids tend to be shyer and to have a more difficult time adjusting to pre-school.
No one can deny that risks are everywhere. In reality, though, the chances of life-changing disasters are rather slim. That doesn’t mean that parents worry less about potential risks and dangers that can “change everything”. Surprisingly, the things that fuel our fears are rather similar.
Tips to get the upper hand over common parenting fears.
Stranger danger
Kidnappings, abductions, lost kids – who hasn’t heard of the dreadful things that can happen if we don’t keep an eye on our kids? One of parents’ common fears is that their children will come to harm from strangers. A few studies on the issue have found that children are experiencing less independent play and fewer opportunities for exploration because of this parental fear.
How to calm the fear
Instead of teaching kids to fear strangers, we need to teach them to identify “strange behaviour”. Remember that when kids who have been taught to fear strangers are in trouble, they might be unable to reach out to an adult, even when that adult can help. If you’re overwhelmed with fear, enrolling your kids in children’s self-defence classes may help calm the fear.
Fear of sexual abuse
Child molestation is one of parents’ greatest fears.
How to calm the fear
Unfortunately, child sexual abuse is a real issue. Before they turn 18, 10% of all children will have encountered some form of abuse. The most effective way of calming your fear is to help your kid to “not become a victim.”
Getting vocal about sexual abuse can help keep your kids safe. Talking to them about inappropriate contact and keeping open communication lines will make it easier for them to come to you about anything.
Fear of kids coming to physical harm
When we are constantly afraid that our kids will get hurt, we tend to limit “risky play” in an attempt to keep them safe. Yet kids need some form of risky play.
A recent study found that kids’ coping skills improve when they are exposed to behaviours that provide exhilarating positive emotions and when they are gradually exposed to the stimuli they previously feared. The study found that hindering kids from partaking in age-appropriate risky play could lead to increased personality disorders.
How to calm the fear
“Risky play” is not synonymous with “dangerous play.”
Sandseter, a risky play researcher, has identified six categories of risky play:
1) Play with great heights
2) Play with high speed
3) Play with harmful tools
4) Play near dangerous elements
5) Rough‐and‐tumble play
6) Play where the children can ‘disappear’/get lost.
When kids engage in risky play, they learn important skills which help foster independence. To overcome fear, it is important to propose age-appropriate risky play.
For example, before allowing your kid to use a knife, you can wait until he masters the use of sharp scissors.
When you let kids play near a fire in your presence, you teach them about how to react when danger is nearby. When kids engage in rough – and tumble – play, they learn how to negotiate aggression and how to play cooperatively.
By providing opportunities for kids to “get lost”, Sandseter means that kids should be allowed to explore on their own. Even when you have an irrational fear of your kids getting hurt, you can provide opportunities where they alone decide what to do and how to do it. Encouraging kids to practice decision-making does not only teach them about being responsible for their actions, it can also help with procrastination.
Fear of kids being unhappy
Unlike with past generations, today’s education is no longer a guarantee against economic hardship. The recent economic crises have not helped calm parents’ fears. Many parents are worried about what the future holds for their kids. They fear that their children will lack the skills to be happy and fulfilled adults.
How to calm the fear
It has become increasingly clear that how we raise our kids matters. Some parenting habits can help foster independence in kids and teach them to adapt to different situations.
Instead of worrying about what kind of life your kids will have, prepare them to make it, no matter what comes their way.
Fear of kids being bullied (and cyber bullying)
The fear of kids being bullied is one of the most common parenting fears. Bullying is indeed a serious concern. A recent report found that up to 50% of children had experienced some form of bullying or had been bullies themselves. Bullying can have far-reaching social and psychological consequences. Unfortunately, bullying can occur as early as preschool.
How to calm the fear
When we are attentive to our kids, we are better able to notice changes in behaviour and better able to find the root causes. Don’t hesitate to talk to your kids’ teachers when you notice drastic changes.
Kids need to know that it is their right to feel safe at school. The problem with explaining bullying behaviour to young kids is that they can’t always differentiate acts of bullying. Kids need to know that persistent acts of intimidation are unacceptable.
When we use age appropriate language to talk to kids about bullying, we make it easier for them to recognize and speak out about bullying episodes. It is important that kids know that they can talk to you or a trusted adult if they are bullied or see someone being bullied.
We can also teach our kids behaviours to reduce chances of bullying. Parenting expert Michele Borba suggests that young kids can be taught to make themselves less inviting targets. She says that teaching kids to look into the eyes of the people they’re speaking to (or into the bully’s eyes), makes it less likely for them to be easy targets for bullies.
Kids are spending more time online today so it’s important to be a part of their online life to help prevent cyber bullying. Being aware of what your kids are watching and who they’re communicating with can help calm fear. Define clear boundaries about your kids’ online use and be ready to enforce them every time.
The thing to remember when you allow fear to drive your parenting is that you can’t be with your kids 24/7. Knowing that they have the tools to protect themselves, to an extent, can help calm many parental fears.
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