Forget everything you’ve heard, this is the right way to motivate your child

Have you ever spent more hours than you should avoiding something you really didn’t want to do? We all have. Motivation is not a character flaw—it’s a human challenge. And while adults struggle with it, learning how to motivate your child can feel even more complicated.

Many parents worry when their child seems unmotivated, especially around school, chores, or responsibilities. Over time, that worry can turn into frustration or constant power struggles. The good news is that lack of motivation is not a permanent trait, and it does not mean something is “wrong” with your child—or with your parenting.

As a parent of three, a certified teacher, and someone with a Ph.D. in education, I’ve seen this issue from multiple angles: in classrooms, in research, and at my own kitchen table. What consistently stands out is this: children are not unmotivated for no reason. Motivation is shaped by experience, environment, and relationships—and that means it can be nurtured.

This article focuses on how to motivate your child in a way that is supportive, realistic, and backed by research, without pressure, guilt, or unrealistic expectations.

What Does a Lack of Motivation Look Like in Children?

Before talking about solutions, it helps to recognize what low motivation often looks like in daily life. Children who are struggling with motivation may:

• Prefer video games or screens over homework or responsibilities

• Have difficulty sticking with tasks until completion

• Avoid activities that require sustained effort

• Show little interest in school or structured activities

• Be described (often unfairly) as “lazy”

• Say things like “what’s the point?” or “this is pointless”

• Avoid taking initiative

• Blame others for outcomes or disengage entirely

• Put little effort into most of the activities they undertake

• Appear to have low confidence or poor self-esteem

• Get into frequent conflicts over expectations or routines

None of these behaviors mean your child lacks potential or care. More often, they signal discouragement, uncertainty, or a mismatch between expectations and abilities.

Motivation Is not a personality Trait

IIt’s often said that motivation must “come from within.” While intrinsic motivation is important, research shows that children develop motivation through interaction, language, and experience.

Psychologists such as Carol Dweck have demonstrated that how we talk to children—and what we expect from them—directly influences their motivation. Lack of motivation often sits at the intersection of behavior and demoralization, not defiance.

By behavior, I do not mean that your child’s lack of motivation is a behavioral problem, but rather, that the way they relate to and connect with the people, and the situations they encounter every day, undoubtedly impact their behavior.

When a child repeatedly feels unsuccessful, misunderstood, or controlled, motivation naturally fades. Supporting motivation means addressing discouragement and demoralization first.

If your child has no motivation, you know by now that telling them that they “need to work harder” does not increase their motivation. However, years of motivation research have made it possible to identify strategies that can help motivate the unmotivated child.

11 Research-Based Strategies for How to Motivate Your Child

1) Build motivation around your child’s interests

We all like doing things we find interesting and your children are no different. They will be more motivated when doing things they enjoy.

Children are naturally more motivated when activities connect to what they already enjoy.

How to apply this:

• Observe what your child gravitates toward

• Show genuine interest in their interests, even if they differ from yours

• Connect those interests to skill-building. For instance, comics can be a great way to practice their reading skills and gain new knowledge, or encouraging them to practice their music lessons with a friend can help motivate an unmotivated child.

2) Remember that success is everyone’s innate desire

Unless if they’re dealing with specific and often undetected disabilities, most children want to do well. Repeated failure can lead to frustration, tantrums, anxiety, and eventually avoidance.

Children who encounter too much failure can develop learned helplessness, which means they stop trying because they expect to fail.

It is this lack of confidence that can drive behavior such as avoidance, stress, “laziness” and a “don’t care attitude”.

What is the best way to motivate your child?

• Create opportunities for achievable success

• Talk openly about their past successes

• Set reasonable expectations with challenging but achievable tasks

• Make sure your child knows exactly what they are expected to do. For instance, if your unmotivated child often struggles with homework, make it a habit to go over and explain what they are expected to do every time they have an an assignment.

You can also try positive reinforcement.

Many bad things have been said about using positive reinforcement to motivate kids. Some people say that giving your child something in exchange for good behavior is bad. I disagree.

There are literally hundreds of studies that have shown that positive reinforcement is one of the most effective tools that you can use to change your child’s behavior.

That said, most of these studies have found that this strategy is often applied incorrectly, meaning that it may actually reinforce the negative behavior you are attempting to eliminate.

If a positive reinforcement strategy is used right, it can eliminate even the most problematic behavior. If you’d like to try it out, this guide will give you the step-by-step process you can use to help your child replace bad behavior permanently, without having to “bribe” them.

3) Provide opportunities to motivate your child

Our son developed an interest in creating videogames after watching videos developed by kids his age. These kids had used the free scratch software developed by researchers at MIT.

Helpful strategies

• Exposing your child to others’ achievements in their fields of interest is a good way to motivate them, but avoid comparisons or pressure.

• Remember that providing opportunities to see others succeed – which can be achieved through movies, books, stories, etc. – can help reduce your child’s lack of motivation

4) The “motivation talk” will not motivate an unmotivated child

One thing science (and no doubt many parents!) has found over the years is that long lectures about effort and responsibility rarely increase motivation. Often, the only thing they increase is resistance.

How do you deal with an unmotivated child ?

• Instead of focusing on their past performance, focus on their future performance – “what do you think you can do differently?”

• Instead of speaking for your children, encourage them to assess their performance by themselves. Remember that there are several age-appropriate resources capable of helping your child reflect on their performance and develop a growth mindset.

• Instead of the “motivation talk”, let them know that you know they have what it takes. You could say something like “you just haven’t figured it out yet but I know you will”.

5) Use encouragement, not pressure

It’s normal to get frustrated when our kids show a lack of motivation. Not knowing how to motivate them gets us even more frustrated!

The important thing to remember is that kids’ lack of motivation may often be explained by a number of things: lack of confidence, lack of participation in decisions concerning them (when homework should be done, when videogames can be played, consequences of not sticking with expectations…), frustration, disappointment, and so on.

How to support motivation

• It has been said that failure and success are two sides of the same coin. Everyone experiences failure and most people experience failure repeatedly before they meet with success.

Talk to your child about your failures. Let them understand that failure is a part of life. Let them know that their failures do not define them – they make them stronger.

Successful failures abound – people who encountered much failure before becoming the celebrities they are today. Talk to your child about those failures. Let them know that the struggle is real for many people.

• Comment on ALL the positive changes you observe even if they do not immediately lead to an improvement. If you see your child put in greater effort, say it.

If you see them trying harder, say it. If you see them trying a different approach, let them know you’ve noticed. Remember, though, to praise the effort and not the child.

Success looks different for every child, and motivation grows when children feel seen rather than evaluated.

This step-by-step guide will give you easy tips to help your child become more confident, self-reliant and independent. It has numerous examples of practical ways you can help support them every day.

6) Let kids be kids

Wouldn’t it be great if our kids responded to our every instruction and did things exactly (or even better) than expected?

The reality is that kids do not have the same conception of things as we do. They do not necessarily understand why they have to learn about certain things and telling them those things “are important” is unlikely to change their perception.

What motivates children ?

• Find ways to make whatever your child is learning interesting. If they’re taking music lessons for example, working on a song they like may be more motivating than having to stick to a specific workbook.

• There are so many ways to learn the same thing. If your child has a hard time staying focused or finding interest in a particular activity, try different ways to tackle the same activity.

There are good movies that teach history, your child can be taught to count using LEGOs, and children’s executive function skills can be developed through fun activities that also boost their concentration.

• Remember that kids will always be more motivated by things they enjoy, and that’s hardly surprising. Cut your child some slack and let them enjoy the things they like. Remember that expecting certain things from them can cause more harm than good.

• Don’t let criticism and disappointment be the only thing they remembers of their childhood.

• Change your perception of your child’s behavior. Some amount of procrastination and a lack of motivation is normal in kids and adults alike. Why would your child be any different?

7) Focusing on strengths first

Strength-based parenting has been shown to improve well-being and motivation.

How to motivate your child

• Identify and nurture your child’s strengths.

• Let success in one area support confidence in others.

• Remember that self-esteem grows from competence, not pressure.

8) Let go of the driver’s seat

Why is kids’ motivation such a big issue? Why do teachers and parents struggle to motivate kids? Science says that one of the main reasons we struggle with our kids’ motivation is because we want to “dictate” everything that our child should do.

We want to dictate when they should do their homework, when they can watch TV or play videogames, when they can see their friends, and so on. But here’s the thing: the more kids feel they have no say in decisions that concern them directly, the less likely they are to stick to those decisions, and there is evidence to prove that.

Tips and strategies to motivate your child

• Don’t do everything for them – you’ll only teach them to become dependent.

• Letting your child participate in the decision-making process will work wonders for their motivation – you can trust me on this.

• Remember that negotiation is a powerful tool which can help resolve your family’s conflicts and reduce power struggles.

9) Be clear about your non-negotiables

Did you know that science has found that your expectations have a great impact on your child’s behavior and performance? Problem is, our kids do not always know what is expected of them because we don’t always clearly voice our expectations.

Easy tips to motivate children

• Be clear about your non-negotiables and let your children know what is expected of them. If they are not allowed to drop an activity until a specific period is over (for instance one semester/one school year, etc.), let them know before they sign up.

However, be flexible – if the activity is really making them miserable, be willing to negotiate, or you’ll only up feeling as miserable as them.

• If you expect your children to participate in household chores, let them know, but remember that you’re bound to get more by allowing them to choose, to a certain extent, the chores they can take on.

Here are 70+ age-appropriate chore cards if you need ideas of chores your children can do.

10) Seek professional help if you’re struggling with your child’s motivation

One thing we rarely hear about concerning kids’ lack of motivation is that it may also point to undiagnosed learning disorders or attention-related problems.

Certain disorders can manifest themselves in behavior such as lack of motivation, procrastination and major concentration difficulties. The problem with these disorders is that they can lead your child to give up because of constant failure.

How to get and keep your child motivated

Do not hesitate to contact a professional if you feel overwhelmed by your child’s lack of motivation. A professional will help you determine whether or not your child has a learning disorder or other issues and, more importantly, how you can help them.

11) Rome wasn’t build in a day

Motivation doesn’t change overnight. Progress is often gradual. Celebrate small wins, stay consistent, and remember that motivation is a skill that develops over time.

The “This is what it takes to raise a happy and confident adult workbook” draws on proven scientific research and theories from the world’s greatest philosophers to propose practical information to help foster traits such as independent thought, self-motivation, grit, confidence and a growth mindset. Check it out here.

Common Questions About How to Motivate Your Child

1. Is my child lazy or unmotivated?

Most children are not lazy. What looks like laziness is often discouragement, lack of confidence, or unclear expectations. Addressing the underlying cause is far more effective than labeling the behavior.

2. Should I reward my child for motivation?

Rewards can be helpful when used sparingly and intentionally. Focus on reinforcing effort and persistence rather than outcomes. This article has tips on how to use positive reinforcement effectively.

3. What if nothing seems to work?

If strategies don’t seem effective over time, it may be helpful to seek professional guidance. Sometimes unseen learning or emotional challenges affect motivation.

4. Can motivation be taught?

Yes. Motivation develops through experience, language, and supportive relationships. It is not something children either have or don’t have.

5. How long does it take to see change?

Change is gradual. Small shifts in effort, attitude, or confidence are meaningful signs of progress.

French version

Scientific References

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1080/00050060310001706997/abstract

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1080/00050068808255605/abstract

https://academic.oup.com/jcr/article-abstract/32/4/504/1787425?redirectedFrom=fulltext

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/209836122_Trait_procrastination_time_management_and_academic_behavior

http://qed.econ.queensu.ca/pub/students/phds/liuqian/MRG/Fall_2007/O’Donoghue_Rabin1999.pdf

http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/fam0000090

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0160289613000421

http://scholarpublishing.org/index.php/ASSRJ/article/view/1651/pdf_261

http://www.realizingaptitudes.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/An-investigation-of-character-strengths-in-relation-to-the-academic-success-of-college-students.pdf

Updated on 14/02/2022