No parent wants to be defined as a helicopter parent, the kind of parent who’s always hovering over their kids. But science says that many of us do more helicopter parenting than we realize.
In a recent survey, researchers at the University of Michigan conducted a national survey of 1044 parents of children between the ages of five and 11.
The study found that while up to 80% of parents felt that children needed moments without adult supervision, many parents still monitored them closely.
The researchers found that many parental habits prevented children from becoming fully independent, and that many parents continued to supervise their children at an age when they should be promoting autonomy and problem-solving skills.
Although many of the parents in the study were aware of the importance of promoting independence, few encouraged their children to act in ways that would enhance autonomy.
Few tween-aged children were allowed to stay home alone for 30-60 minutes, separate from their parents to look for an item in a store by themselves, wait in the car while parents ran a quick errand, go to a friend’s house alone, or trick-or-treat without their parents. In other words, many parents continued to watch, supervise, and “hover” over their children.
“Helicopter parenting” is a term first used by Haim Ginott in his book, Between Parent & Teenager. He took the term from a teenager who spoke of feeling “hovered over like a helicopter.”
Other terms such as overindulgent or cosseting parents are also used to refer to parents who do too much for their children, preventing them from developing important skills such as resilience, self-confidence, and problem-solving that they will need in later years.
Fear is a legitimate and understandable reason that often explains parents’ need to supervise their children. With so many scary stories we hear every day, who can blame parents for being cautious and protective of their children?
However, being overprotective prevents your child from developing the skills they need to function independently today and in the future. It prevents them from strengthening their problem-solving skills and, therefore, their confidence in dealing with difficult situations.
The good news is that simple strategies can help you keep your child safe while encouraging independence.
Here are three things you can do to get started.
Simple tips to avoid helicopter parenting
1) Set clear guidelines for your child
Worrying about our children’s safety is one of the reasons many of us tend to over-supervise them. But there are simple ways to make sure your child gets opportunities to develop important skills.
The most important thing is to set clear guidelines, such as
– No overnight stays with friends unknown to you (your child should know that if he or she asks to spend time away from home, you will call the person’s parents if necessary).
– Only allow visits to familiar public places.
– Set specific time guidelines (what time should your child be home).
– Have a way for your child to contact you if there is a problem, or for you to contact them if necessary.
It is also important to encourage open communication with your child, help them understand inappropriate behavior, and talk about different ways to respond to different situations.
2) Stop doing everything for your child
There are so many excuses we give ourselves to explain why we don’t let our children participate more fully in family chores: they’ll break something, they’ll do it all wrong, you’ll have to go over it again anyway, you’ll have to keep nagging them to get it done.
Although it may seem easier to just do things yourself, avoiding giving your children chores is actually bad for them. Chores teach them important skills and show them that they can succeed. Even children as young as three can participate in simple, age-appropriate chores.
Remember that for older children who aren’t used to chores, it may be easier to tell them all the chores that need to be done and let them choose which ones they want to do.
A simple and effective strategy for introducing your children to family chores is to use chore cards.
As with all things, it is important to be clear about your expectations (when the chore should be done, how you define a properly completed chore) and the consequences if your child does not complete the chore.
As children get older, it is important for them to understand that they have more freedom, but with that freedom comes choices and consequences.
3) Help your child develop problem-solving skills
If you are constantly giving your child solutions to problems, they will always be looking for someone to solve their problems for them. But there are simple ways to help them learn to think for themselves:
– Every time they ask you a question, ask for their opinion.
– Make it a habit to ask them what they think about various issues.
– If they get something wrong, ask them what they think they could do differently next time.
While it’s natural to want to protect our children, allowing them to have their own experiences and make their own mistakes is the only way to build their confidence and independence.
Wondering if you’re a helicopter parent? Take our free quiz below to find out!
Further reading
Qualities of a good parent: 28 things you need to stop doing
3 signs that show that you are too involved in your child’s life
How to Actually Get Your Kids to Do Chores
Raising kids: when helping hurts
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