Why and How to Talk to Kids About Emotions

Despite popular belief, emotionally intelligent kids are not immune to anxiety, anger, or other big emotions. When those feelings show up, they can arrive with surprising intensity—sometimes leaving both children and parents unsure of what to do next.

I know this both professionally and personally. As a parent of three and someone who has spent years studying child development and emotional learning, I’ve seen how early emotional patterns can shape everyday family life.

My husband and I often joke that our daughter was “born anxious.” Situations that other children seemed to take in stride—new environments, transitions, even small changes to routine—felt overwhelming for her. These moments were often accompanied by clinginess, tears, and physical symptoms like eczema.

After speaking with specialists and reading widely, we realized that what helped most was not trying to eliminate anxiety, but learning how to talk to kids about emotions in a way that gave her language, understanding, and a sense of safety. We began to focus intentionally on emotion regulation—not as a quick fix, but as a long-term skill.

Why Talking to Kids About Emotions Matters

Research consistently shows that behaviors such as tantrums, meltdowns, persistent anxiety, and even aggression are often connected to difficulty understanding and managing emotions. This doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with a child—it means they are still learning how emotions work.

Knowing that emotion-driven behavior is common can be reassuring. But knowing how to support children when emotions run high is what truly makes a difference. Teaching children to recognize, name, and work through emotions gives them tools they will use well beyond childhood.

In my work as a certified teacher and researcher in education, I’ve seen that children who are encouraged to talk about emotions tend to develop stronger self-awareness and flexibility when challenges arise. These are not abstract skills; they show up in classrooms, friendships, and family relationships every day.

The Benefits of Emotional Intelligence in Children

John Gottman’s research on emotional intelligence highlights an important insight: children who are taught about emotions are better equipped to manage stress and recover from emotional upsets. For example, emotionally intelligent kids are more likely to recognize when a situation is becoming overwhelming and to choose strategies—like taking a break or switching activities—that help them regain balance.

Evidence suggests that children who can identify and express emotions in socially appropriate ways are more likely to:

• Perform well academically

• Build and maintain positive social relationships

• Feel a sense of agency over their experiences

• Show fewer ongoing behavior challenges

• Enter school feeling more confident and emotionally prepared

Rather than preventing difficult emotions, emotional intelligence helps children move through them with greater ease.

First things first: Teaching kids to identify emotions

The foundation of emotional regulation is emotional awareness. Before children can manage feelings, they need words for them. Teaching children to identify emotions does not mean teaching them to suppress or avoid feelings. Instead, it sends the message that emotions are normal, expected, and manageable.

Children typically begin to develop more nuanced emotional awareness around age ten, but research shows they can start learning about emotions as early as age three. One of the simplest and most effective strategies is narrating emotions as they happen:

• “I can see you’re feeling sad.”

• “It looks like you’re frustrated because the game ended.”

• “You seem disappointed that we had to leave.”

This kind of language models emotional awareness without judgment. Over time, children begin to internalize these words and use them independently.

How to Talk to Kids About Emotions in Everyday Life

1. Talk Often, but Keep It Short

Short, frequent conversations about emotions are more effective than long, infrequent ones. A brief check-in after school or a quick comment during a shared activity can be enough to reinforce emotional language.

2. Choose the Right Moment

Timing matters. Conversations about emotions are most productive when everyone is calm. Trying to teach emotional skills in the middle of a meltdown is rarely helpful—for either parent or child. Calm moments create space for reflection and learning.

3. Make It Personal and Relatable

Children connect more easily when emotions are tied to real experiences. While reading a book or watching a show, you might ask:

• “What do you think made that character feel angry?”

• “Have you ever felt that way?”

If a child struggles to talk about their own feelings, asking them to imagine how a friend might feel in a similar situation can lower the pressure and open conversation.

Using Play to Talk to Kids About Emotions

Play offers a natural, low-pressure way to explore emotions. Games allow children to engage with feelings at a safe emotional distance, which often makes learning easier.

Feelings Memory Game

This simple game builds emotional vocabulary while keeping things fun.

• Gather images representing different emotions and print two sets.

• Shuffle the cards and place them face down.

• Players take turns flipping over two cards to find matches.

• When a match is found, talk about the emotion: “When do you feel this way?” “What helps when you feel like this?”

Feelings Scavenger Hunt

• Hide images representing different emotions around the house.

• Create a list of emotions to find.

• When a child finds a card, ask them to name something that makes them feel that emotion.

These activities normalize emotional conversations and make them part of everyday life.

A Common Myth About Emotional Intelligence

One of the most persistent myths is that emotionally intelligent children don’t struggle with big emotions. In reality, emotional intelligence doesn’t eliminate strong feelings—it helps children recover from them more effectively.

Coping strategies are not one-size-fits-all. What works one day may not work the next. A strategy that helps with anxiety in one situation may be useless in another. This trial-and-error process is normal and expected. Children benefit from having a variety of tools to choose from, rather than relying on a single technique.

Resources like emotion cards, visual supports, and guided activities can help children explore different coping strategies and discover what works best for them.

The “Emotions Kit” is a great resource filled with multiple age-appropriate tools (cards, games, worksheets, tools, etc) and is designed to help you communicate with your child about emotions. It also proposes multipe coping mechanisms your child can test.

When Big Emotions Show Up: Three Supportive Strategies

Strategy 1: Offer Support Through Conversation

Talking through an emotion-provoking situation is one of the most effective ways to reduce emotional intensity. Research suggests that responsive, emotionally attuned parenting is associated with lower risk of emotional difficulties later in life.

Open-ended questions such as:

• “What part of this feels hardest?”

• “What are you worried might happen?”

help children organize their thoughts and gain perspective.

Strategy 2: Validate Without Minimizing

Children need to know that their emotions make sense to them, even if the situation seems minor to an adult. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with the behavior—it means acknowledging the feeling.

Sharing your own experiences can also be helpful:

• “I sometimes feel nervous in new situations too.”

• “When I feel frustrated, I take a few deep breaths.”

This models emotional honesty and coping without placing pressure on the child to “fix” their feelings quickly.

Strategy 3: Build a Toolbox of Coping Skills

Reassurance alone is rarely enough. Children benefit from concrete strategies they can practice repeatedly. Over time, these strategies become habits.

Children often associate specific coping tools with specific situations. When circumstances change, they may need help finding new tools. This is a learning process, not a setback.

It has been said that we are all slaves to our habits, and your child is no different. The thing with kids is that while they may associate certain emotions (for example anxiety before their swimming class) with certain coping mechanisms (for example drawing), they will not necessary associate a new anxiety-provoking situation (for example changing schools) with the same coping mechanisms. Some kids are able to do so, the majority are not.

This means that on many occasions, your child will have to learn new coping mechanisms to deal with new situations

When our daughter was anxious about transitioning from preschool to elementary school, one strategy that helped was walking through the day in detail—who she would see, what activities to expect, and how the schedule worked. This approach hadn’t worked in other situations, but in this case, it gave her a sense of predictability and control

The Emotions Kit proposes multiple coping mechanisms your child can apply in different situations.

When to Consider Additional Support

Most emotion-driven behaviors in children are part of typical development. However, there are times when professional support may be helpful. Some signs to watch for include:

• Emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation

• Anxiety or anger that feels constant and unrelenting

• Fear focused on distant or unlikely events

• Emotions that interfere with daily functioning

• Intense fear that prevents participation in normal activities

Seeking support is not a reflection of failure—it’s an extension of care.

What Children Learn From How We Respond

Children pay close attention to how adults handle emotions. Remaining calm, supportive, and solution-focused—even when things feel difficult—provides a powerful model. Over time, these experiences help children build resilience and confidence in their ability to handle emotions.

Talking to kids about emotions is not about having perfect responses. It’s about showing up consistently, listening with curiosity, and treating emotions as a normal part of being human.

Common Questions About Talking to Kids About Emotions

1. At what age should I start talking to my child about emotions?

Children can begin learning about emotions as early as toddlerhood. Even simple statements like “You’re feeling upset” help build emotional awareness over time. These early conversations lay the groundwork for more complex emotional skills later.

2. What if my child doesn’t want to talk about their feelings?

Some children need more time or indirect approaches. Talking about emotions through stories, play, or hypothetical situations can feel safer. Respecting a child’s pace often leads to more openness in the long run. The Emotions Kit is filled with different ideas to explore.

3. Can talking about emotions make kids more emotional?

Research does not support the idea that emotional conversations increase emotionality. In fact, children who can name emotions often recover from them more quickly. Language helps organize feelings rather than amplify them.

4. How do I respond when my child’s emotions feel overwhelming?

Start by grounding yourself and focusing on connection rather than correction. Simple presence, calm language, and reassurance can help reduce intensity. Problem-solving can come later, once emotions have settled.

5. Is it okay to share my own emotions with my child?

Yes, when done thoughtfully. Sharing age-appropriate examples of how you handle emotions models healthy coping. It also reinforces the idea that emotions are something everyone experiences and manages over time.

Additional resources

This Is How To Raise An Emotionally Intelligent Kid

50 Ways to Calm an Anxious Child Without Words (+PRINTABLE VISUAL ANXIETY CARDS)

This is how to tell whether your child’s tantrums are a problem

Five things you can do to foster your child’s emotional safety

Scientific references

Children’s Anger Attribution Bias: Relations to Family Environment and Social Adjustment

The Gottman Institute

A Structured Observation of Behavioral Self-Regulation and Its

Contribution to Kindergarten Outcomes

Family talk about feeling states and later understanding of other’s emotions