The effects of the strategies we use to discipline our children can last well beyond the childhood years. It can teach them self-discipline, or it can cause untold pain and psychological suffering that will follow them throughout their lives.
But the distinction between positive and negative discipline is not always black and white. There are many other shades in between, and what we sometimes think of as harmless or normal is actually negative and harmful.
Science says that fear drives the behavior of children accustomed to negative discipline. In one study, researchers analyzing the effects of harsh punishment on the behavior of 3- and 4-year-olds secretly recorded the behavior of children who were given specific instructions and then left alone.
The study found that the more children were raised in an environment where negative discipline was common, the more dishonest they were and the more elaborate the lies they told to cover up their dishonesty.
Contrary to popular belief, negative discipline is not just about violent and/or physical punishment. It involves much more. This type of discipline refers to any form of punishment that causes psychological or physical harm to your child.
The Types of Negative Discipline
The most common types of negative discipline fall into two groups: discipline that causes physical harm and discipline that causes psychological harm.
Violent forms of punishment that involve physical abuse are the best known types of negative discipline. We now know that violence doesn’t make children behave better; it makes their behavior worse.
For example, research has shown that violence begets violence. In other words, children who are exposed to authoritarian parenting styles and/or physical abuse are more likely to exhibit aggressive traits, both in childhood and later in life.
The opposite is also true – some of the children exposed to violence may learn to view violence as normal and may be more accepting of violent acts such as bullying against them.
Children exposed to negative discipline are also more likely to have difficulty making and keeping friends, to suffer from depression and anxiety later in life, and to have difficulty managing their emotions.
Despite the far-reaching negative consequences of emotional abuse, many still do not consider this type of abuse to be a form of negative discipline. But science has shown that emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical violence.
For example, several studies have shown that while an occasional yell may not destroy your child, children who are constantly yelled at have lower self-esteem, are more aggressive, and are also prone to depression.
Yelling can hurt your child and ruin your relationship with him or her. Also, as you probably already know, it rarely works. Yelling is often a quick fix, a “heat of the moment” solution that is more interested in getting quick results than in addressing the underlying issues.
But yelling is just one form of psychological aggression. The truth is that even the words we use with our children can cause lasting damage. If you constantly tell your child that he or she is worthless, he or she will eventually believe you. As Peggy O’Mara once said, the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
Here are four things that can help you use more positive punishment strategies.
How to Use Positive Punishment Effectively
1) Focus on the behavior, not the child. You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s one of the easiest ways to avoid negative discipline. Focusing on the behavior changes how you view the situation and how you react to it – “children are not bad, they do bad things.
2) Avoid reacting in the heat of the moment. All parents react in the heat of the moment. That’s just the way it is. But most of us end up regretting it. When you react from an emotional place, you are more likely to say or do things that you would not have done otherwise. Even if you’re upset, take 10 deep breaths or walk away for a few minutes before deciding how to respond to the situation.
3) Build your own discipline toolbox. If you don’t have a well-thought-out discipline strategy, you’re more likely to respond to your child’s behavior with negative discipline. So learn about different discipline strategies and decide which one is right for your child and your family. Remember that it is okay to use different discipline strategies depending on the situation you are dealing with.
Useful reading
Inductive discipline: what it is and why it matters
A positive discipline strategy that will change your child’s problem behavior
Why your discipline strategy isn’t working and what you can do about it
4) Set clear limits and make sure your child knows what those limits are. Setting clear limits makes it easier for your child to understand what is expected of him or her. But setting clear limits also means being clear about the consequences of not respecting them.
Involving older children in deciding the consequences of their behavior – “what will we do if you don’t come back at the agreed-upon time” – can help them take more responsibility for their behavior and avoid negative discipline.
Useful reading
Proven tips to setting limits that reduce your child’s problem behavior
Many often forget that discipline is meant to be long-term. It is meant to teach your child self-discipline, not just to scare them into behaving a certain way. So think about your parenting values. What is truly important to you? What isn’t? What do you hope your disciplinary strategies will teach your child?
The good news is that there are many different non-punitive and effective discipline approaches to your child’s behavior. Choose one that is in line with your child and your family context.
Remember that negative discipline may get you immediate results, but not necessarily the ones you are looking for.
You might also like
The only 10 things you need to know to reduce your child’s problem behavior
An age by age guide to understanding and managing your child’s problem behavior
Five discipline approaches to avoid and what to do instead
15 discipline mistakes that make it harder to manage your child’s problem behavior
Scientific references
A Punitive Environment Fosters Children’s Dishonesty: A Natural Experiment
This article really opened my eyes to the hidden harms of negative discipline. The science-backed insights are eye-opening, and the practical tips feel genuinely helpful for becoming a more mindful parent.