We’ve had our fair share of “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde” moments in our home.
When our son first joined school there was only praise for his behavior. He would basically do as he was told – anything not to rock the boat. His teachers loved him; I suppose when you’re dealing with high-energy 3-year-olds all days, it helps to have a few kids who give you a little piece of mind.
Our son was the pupil who could be counted on. The perfect pupil. Now the thing with perfect pupils who keep their emotions locked in the whole day is that, sooner or later, those emotions find a way out.
So we got accustomed to living in the midst of emotional explosions. He would be the perfect pupil in school then a little devil when he came home. There were furious outbursts that would end as suddenly as they had begun, powerful outbursts that would no doubt surprise his teachers if they were to see them.
Being the greenhorns that we were, we handled it all pretty badly.
We knew we should discipline him more but he was only 3. He was the youngest kid in the entire school. He was also our baby. The first one. There’s something about the first ones. It’s a different kind of love – perhaps the first love.
Alas, we sometimes let him get away with more than we should have. Still, we often snapped, felt guilty, apologized, then snapped again. We were both busy and working long hours. It’s never easy dealing with tantrums when you’re tired yourself.
We couldn’t get past the feeling that there had to be a better way to strike the right balance.
After reading much of the enormous information and research available on discipline strategies, we settled on a few mindful parenting strategies.
We’ve found that using bits and pieces from different philosophies depending on different kids, our personalities and different contexts has totally changed how we view discipline and made it possible for us to stay sane.
First things first. What are we talking about when we talk about “mindful discipline”?
– Being mindful about how and why you discipline
– Mutual respect
– Creating healthy parent-child relationships
This mindful parenting series will provide you with some information on proven strategies that work. It will also give you practical examples of how you can apply these strategies in practical situations.
So let’s get started!
Boundary-based discipline: Limits, high expectations, rationality
Boundary-based discipline is about setting limits and enforcing them, but it is also about taking your child’s emotional needs into account.
This discipline philosophy is about having high expectations but also being warm and receptive.
It is about finding the right balance between freedom and responsibility.
For example, your 8-year-old is driving everyone crazy because he wants to watch his latest Star Wars movie at maximum volume, you ask him to turn the volume down or you’ll take away the DVD player for the day. You let him choose but you also let him know the consequences of his actions.
Boundary-based parenting is closely linked to the “authoritative” parenting style.
“Authoritative parenting” is a term that was coined by Diane Baumrind who carried out a study in the 1960s to determine how parenting styles (parental control) influenced child outcomes.
Ever since these initial studies, authoritative parenting has been associated with many positive outcomes: autonomy, social and emotional development, empathy, consciousness, academic success and less antisocial behavior.
How do you apply boundary-based discipline?
1) Set clear limits. One day my son was looking through my bag and making a royal mess. I said “stop”, to which he immediately replied, “stop what”?
We don’t always clearly communicate what we’d like our children to do or not do.
In my example, did I mean “stop looking through my bag”? Or perhaps “stop making a mess“? Or did I mean something completely different and unrelated to his looking through the bag?
Children don’t always know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. When you tell your daughter “you can’t go out like that”, what do you really mean? Is she aware of your boundaries when it comes to dress codes, make up, etc.?
Communicating your boundaries is essential when applying boundary-based discipline.
2) Be consistent. Being 100% consistent means consistently following through with the consequences of bad behavior.
3) Use natural consequences. Using natural consequences means tying behavior to the consequences of that behavior: “If you don’t stop making a mess, I’m going to take the bag away”.
Providing choices makes your child responsible for his/her behavior.
Let’s look at another example: Your child often refuses to eat lunch then asks for a snack 30 minutes later. A parent using the boundary-based discipline approach will explain to his/her child that there will be no between-meals snacks and will follow through.
Sometimes, tying behavior to consequences is easier said than done. We’re trying to stop our son from jumping on the sofa and we’ve been unable to tie his behavior to the consequences. Your ideas are welcome!
The book Parenting With Love And Logic 
advocates natural consequences, especially when dealing with older children.
The authors of the book argue that by letting children deal with the consequences of their behavior, they learn to think for themselves and better understand why certain behavior is unacceptable.
You can read my book-review of Parenting with Love and Logic here.
Border-based discipline is about clearly explaining your expectations to your child then letting him/her learn from mistakes.
4) Pick your battles. Boundary based discipline is also about picking your battles and standing firm in your priorities.
Every time I’d see my son swinging his legs while seating on a chair, I’d go half crazy! Especially in the evenings when I was tired and low on patience. I let it slide because when you think about it, it’s not really that big a deal.
Not so with safety issues. We have made it clear to our children that safety is the number one priority in our home: there will be consequences if you deliberately hurt yourself. There will be consequences if you deliberately hurt your siblings. There will be consequences if you deliberately hurt animals.
5) Have high expectations. Evidence suggests that children whose parents are assertive and hold high expectations (neither too high nor too low) are more likely to succeed in life.
What can you do?
- Be clear about your expectations and communicate those to your child.
- Focus on positive behavior and teach your child to see him/herself as a well-behaved child. According to the Pygmalion effect, people are likely to behave in line with what they believe is expected of them.
- Try positive affirmations with your child.
Further reading: Positive Affirmations for Kids: 6 Things You Should Know
6) Be democratic. Authoritative parenting is not an “all-or-nothing” approach. It’s not a “because-I-said-so” approach. Parents who use boundary based discipline are willing to provide their child with the reasons behind their expectations but are also willing to listen to their children’s points of view, even when they know the final response will still be “no”.
7) Encourage your child to express herself. When your child is acting out, it’s more common to tell him/her to “STOP !!!” rather than ask why she is acting out.
Adopting boundary-based discipline means encouraging a child to express herself and understanding the reasons behind her behavior.
Finding out the reason behind your child’s behavior can help you respond more appropriately: propose a break when she’s tired, a snack when she’s hungry, a 10-minute reading break when she’s attention-seeking or a positive time-out when she’s just behaving badly.
ARE YOU FEELING DISCOURAGED OR FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR CHILD’S MISBEHAVIOUR?
The Mindful Discipline Email course will walk you through the process to establish a mindful and effective discipline strategy.
This workbook will help you:
a) Understand the reasons behind the failure of your discipline approach
b) Identify an effective discipline plan based on your values
c) Understand and reflect on your parenting style
d) Identify the characteristics of effective discipline strategies
e) Identify the different effective discipline tools and understand how you can use them effectively
