We’ve all pushed our kids to do things they initially resist, to try new adventures, to learn new skills, or just because we know they can do more, be more. It seems virtually impossible to parent without pushing your children “out of their comfort zones.
But as parents, it’s not always easy to know when to push more, push a little less, or just stop pushing!
While some amount of pushing is inevitable, there are times when pushing your child can be more harmful than helpful.
Science[1] says that over-pushing can undermine student learning and lead to the elusive pursuit of perfectionism[2]. What this means is that it’s important to know when you’re pushing too hard.
The good news is that there are a few signs that can help you determine when to stop pushing.
3 signs that you’re pushing your child too hard (and how to stop)
1) Your child is highly resistant
Most children will resist most of your attempts to “make them better people.”
They’ll resist your attempts to get them to practice their musical instrument or to study more regularly, or even complain incessantly every time they have to go to their judo class.
While some resistance is normal, too much resistance can be a sign that your expectations are not aligned with your child’s interests and desires.
Discussing her interests is an easy way to align both your expectations. For example, letting your child know that he or she is expected to participate in an extracurricular activity and then letting him or her choose the activity can help them feel more independent and involved in the decision-making process, and hopefully increase their engagement in the activity.
However, it is important to set the ground rules when allowing your child to participate in decision-making.
For example, let him know that once he is enrolled, he must attend all sessions of the activity and that he is not allowed to drop out of the activity except under unexpected circumstances (a child who used to enjoy an activity and now hates it could be a sign of a troubling event).
Children’s resistance may also be related to issues such as stress and anxiety, so it is important to monitor any changes in your child’s behavior and provide a safe space to talk about these feelings.
2) Your child rarely meets your expectations
Anyone would resist excessive pressure, and your child is no different. Contrary to popular belief, getting better is not always about quantity: it is more about taking small, regular steps. It is about consistent effort.
This explains why expecting your child to practice piano for long periods of time is more likely to lead to resistance than compliance. When we expect too much of our children, we introduce stress, anxiety, and feelings of learned helplessness.
The easiest way to help your child meet expectations is to make it easy for him to meet them.
Concretely, this means that instead of simply expecting him to practice, you can help him set a schedule to practice for 10 or 15 minutes each day.
Another real life example: Our son was able to radically improve his math grades by doing ONE math calculation a day.
Another reason that may explain why our children often fail to meet expectations is that we expect too much to begin with. Working from what your child already knows and gradually introducing new activities is a more effective approach than pushing too hard.
3) Your child doesn’t know what’s expected of them
Unclear expectations are one of the reasons that explain much of the behavior of children and adolescents.
If you are not clear about your expectations and your child is not clear about what is expected of them, expectations will not be met.
Identifying your negotiables and non-negotiables is a good place to start. Once set, it is important that your child knows EXACTLY what is expected:
– 5/10/15 minutes of piano Monday through Friday BEFORE watching TV…
– Homework done CORRECTLY BEFORE you can play your video game…
– Set the table every day BEFORE ….
– Read one page/one chapter/three chapters of your… every ….
– Do at least one math calculation every… BEFORE…
Once you have established your expectations, it is important to have clear consequences for not meeting those expectations (“no homework, no video games,” for example), but remember to be flexible with your child depending on the context.
It is also important to set aside even 10 to 15 minutes a day to do something with your children to show them that you’re not just about chores, homework, and extracurricular activities. Bonding activities also improve parent-child communication and make it easier for your children to come to you with problems.
If you need ideas for simple activities you can try at home, download this free 30-Day Challenge with lots of easy and accessible activities to help strengthen your family bond.
Related reading
Proven tips to setting limits that reduce your child’s problem behavior
Positive reinforcement as a powerful strategy for meeting expectations
Contrary to popular belief, positive reinforcement has nothing to do with “bribing” a child. This highly effective strategy is designed to help your child repeatedly practice a specific behavior, eventually turning that behavior into a habit.
Positive reinforcement is about recognizing and validating expected behavior, celebrating successes, and helping children realize that they have what it takes to succeed.
Positive reinforcement is one of the most effective strategies for changing almost any type of behavior in children, even the most problematic behaviors.
As with most behavior change strategies, the biggest problem with positive reinforcement is that it is often applied inappropriately. This article has everything you need to know to make positive reinforcement work.
If you’re wondering if you’re pushing your child too hard, there’s a silver lining. You know your child better than anyone else, and if you’re honest about what he’s really capable of, what he likes and doesn’t like, and what you honestly see him doing in a few years, then you should be able to set good enough expectations.
All the math tutors in the world won’t turn him into Einstein if he has no interest in math at all, and even if he does get into that selective engineering school you want, the experience is likely to be extremely daunting at best.
Scientific references
[1] Don’t aim too high for your kids: Parental overaspiration undermines students’ learning in mathematics
[2] Young people’s perceptions of their parents’ expectations and criticism are increasing over time: Implications for perfectionism
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