The effects of bullying on a child are no different when the bully is a teacher than when the bully is another child. A bullied child is a child slowly dying inside, and low self-esteem, panic attacks, anxiety, low grades and depression-related symptoms are all common among victims, irrespective of who does the bullying.
Much has been done to give victims tools they can use to stand up to their peers or get help. Bullying hotlines for parents and their children are now common in countries across the world. Children are being taught that bullying is wrong, and more than ever before, victims have channels through which to put an end to bullying.
Much less has been done to address bullying when the bully is a teacher. Part of the problem arises from the fact that the “bullying teacher” is often a well-kept secret. Moreover, blind to the emotional abuse they cause, teachers who bully often reject the “bully title” they so clearly deserve. Indeed, there are none so blind as those who will not see. Blind as they might choose to be, the harm these teachers cause is far-reaching and goes beyond the school years
Rita’s* low self-esteem issues all begun in high school:
“My teachers constantly told me that my sister had taken all the brains and beauty in the family and left me with an empty shell. They said I wouldn’t achieve much. I shouldn’t have believed them and yet I did. I did and still do.”
Rita’s sister, who was two years older, had been the “bright one in the family”. Given that she attended the same school, her teachers compared them daily. “But, you look so put together” I’d retorted, completely disregarding the fact that the deepest emotional scars rarely show, to which she’d replied “Don’t be fooled. I’m the hottest mess you’ll come across.”
Cases in which “the bully is the teacher” abound, and teachers can destroy children’s self-esteem through multiple ways: treating them as “slow”, name-calling, making them the class “black sheep”, being verbally abusive, comparing them unfavorably to other kids, using unkind words, using strict or unfair treatment, constantly yelling, repeatedly picking on one kid, public humiliation, repeated threats, and so on. Buried within, the resulting unseen scars can be the hardest to heal. They can slowly eat your child up alive. They can make him doubt his every move, see himself as “worth less”, worthless, and drain all the color from his life.
Some signs of bullying by teachers will be blatant, others less so. However, be willing to probe further if your child starts speaking of a “mean teacher” or “not liking his teacher” or a teacher who “always shouts at me”.
Stan Davies and Charisse Nixon interviewed 13 000 kids in the “Youth Voice Project” to determine how to effectively respond to a bully. One of the most effective ways to deal with bullies, they found, was to ask for help from an adult. But how do you get help from your teacher if he or she is the bully? Taking on a bullying teacher can feel like a battle lost in advance.
Here are five tips to help when your child’s bully is the teacher
1) Help your child open up about the problem
We all think we know our kids really well but many of us don’t know them as well as we think we do. Your kid won’t necessarily tell you everything that’s going on either because he just won’t, or maybe because he’s scared, ashamed, anxious, or has a thousand “crazy” thoughts running through his mind.
Trying open-ended questions every day might make it easier for him to open up:
• When did you laugh?
• What made you laugh?
• When did you feel sad?
• What made you feel sad?
• When did you feel angry?
• What made you feel angry?
Remember that your child is more likely to open up if he thinks he will be believed. If you feel that there is something going on, but you are unable to get him to talk about it, consider seeing a therapist specialized in dealing with young kids.
2) Go on a serious fact-finding mission
If you suspect that your kid is being bullied by his teacher, the first step is to go on a serious fact-finding mission, and this begins by questioning your child. She needs to feel that she can confide in you and that you’ll actually listen. Telling her that you are going to do something about the situation, but you need specific examples of what has happened in the past can make it easier to collect information.
Learn all you can from your child as well as from other kids in her class. If she is constantly being picked on, other kids in her class will know and will be able to give you important insight. Speak to other parents in your child’s class and ask them if their children have spoken to them about that particular teacher or about how your kid is treated.
Here a few questions that may make it easier to know what’s going on:
• How long this has been going on?
• Are there witnesses?
• Have you had any other issues with the teacher before?
• Is your child the only one picked on or are there issues with other children as well?
It is important to write everything down. Relate the events in the most objective way possible and note down the dates if available. Use direct quotes whenever possible. You could also simply document your child’s behavior: refusing to go to school, school-related meltdown, low self-esteem, hair pulling, etc.
An important thing to keep in mind though: not all conflict is bullying. Conflict becomes bullying when your child’s teacher repeatedly picks on her, calls her names, repeatedly yells and does things such as table-banging or generally makes your child feel “different” and bad about herself.
Fact-finding also means approaching your child’s teacher, unless, of course, if you believe her behavior has been outrageous. Refusing to speak up because you fear your child will be victimized will neither make the situation go away, nor will it make your child feel better. In most cases, it will increase the bullying.
Questions such as “My daughter seems to be having a hard time in your class this year. What do you think may be affecting her?” is one easy way to get the conversation going and to give the teacher a chance to give his/her point of view. Remember that it is always easier to deal with such issues before they get out of hand.
Do not meet the teacher alone if you believe your child is being treated outrageously. Violence, irrespective of whether it is verbal or physical, will only make things worse. The best approach in this situation would be to request a meeting with the teacher in question (can be done via email) and her immediate superior and take everything you noted down from your fact-finding mission. Once the meeting is over, write down everything that happened during the meeting in the most objective way possible, when it was held, who attended, who said what, and the decisions that were arrived at. Document everything.
3) Let the school know you mean business
Transforming a school system is a long and tedious process and teachers tend to stick together. If your child is being bullied, making contact with the school is simply the first step. At the end of the meeting, let your child’s teacher know that you will be sending a summary of the meeting to the administration to make it easier to solve the issue. Send a copy of the meeting to everyone who was present during the meeting and copy the senior administrators.
You need to regularly monitor the situation and, if nothing improves, continue building your case against the teacher and the school system. If your child needs to see a therapist, ask for documentation. If other parents have complaints about the teacher, ask them to write down their experiences in the most objective manner possible – there is strength in numbers. Be careful how you use social media. Anything considered as libel or slander can get you into trouble.
If nothing seems to be changing, file a complaint with the State Board of education and send all the documentation you have about your child and all the information you have obtained about other children.
Consider contacting a child advocate (with all the documents in your possession) whose role it is to protect children. A child advocate is better placed to determine whether your child’s case falls within the context of bullying or not, and to help you decide about the best way forward (legal action, contact with the board of education, etc.)
4) Get your child out
To what extent are you willing to allow your child to be sacrificed by the school system? It might be time to consider other options if the simple fact of going to school every day is a gut-wrenching experience for both you and your child. If you can remove your child from that situation, do so. Wounds inflicted in childhood are among the hardest to heal.
5) Give your child the tools to manage the situation
Although the parenting expert Michele Borba suggests that teaching your kids to act confident can reduce their chances of being bullied, this is unlikely to work when the bully is a teacher. Being bullied has an impact on your child’s self-esteem, which is why you need to build her up and help her see herself as a worthy person.
You can achieve this by encouraging her to participate in activities she loves, proposing activities in line with her abilities to help her encounter success, strengthening the child-parent relationship, helping her develop problem-solving skills and teaching her to learn to self-distract herself through practising hobbies, sports, listening to music, etc.
Creating open communication channels will make it easier for your child to confide in you but putting these channels in place is not always as easy as it seems. Open communication channels can only be possible if you are warm and receptive to your child’s needs and if you allow him to voice his thoughts and treat those thoughts as valid, even when they differ from your own.
Jane Nelsen, one of the greatest supporters of positive education and author of the book Positive Parenting suggests that parents should set up an evening routine during which they share information with their child about the best and worst moment of the day, then ask him to share the same information about his day. This can be a powerful approach to help you and your child connect.
Has your child been a victim of teacher bullying? Please share what worked for you in the comments below.
*Name changed to preserve anonymity
I was screamed at in front of everyone at lunch just because I had a drink from the water fountain. Since when is having a drink a crime? That scarred me for life, I can never forget it. And the teacher got away with it even though there were plenty of witnesses. The same teacher screamed at everyone in general but nothing was done about it.
I was also yelled at for accidentally taking a wrong questionnaire from the pile and my music teacher said my work was bad. And then proceeded to praise the next student deliberately in front of me. That cost me a lot of self esteem.
My daughter is 16 now but things that have happened to her in kindergarten by her teacher has left her with a form of ptsd..its effecting her. What should i do to this day the things i hear that happened and how it effects her really hurts..is there any legal recourse?
My 4 year old son was humiliated by the 2nd year teacher just after he started school when she took him out of his reception class and paraded him in front of all the other classes telling everyone he had bitten a boy in her class. She did not ask my traumatised child why he had bitten the boy so did not find out that it was to defend himself from being punched in the stomach and bitten several times by the older much bigger boy…whose mother eventually admitted her son was a bully and apparently was a “known biter” but
he was not paraded or humiliated. When my son moved up into the 2nd year teacher’s class, his dyslexia was “punished” (although the teacher confirmed he had not been disobedient when I asked) by being made to sit in isolation outside the headmaster’s office throughout every playtime to finish the work on his own that he could not complete with the teacher’s “guidance”. Despite the teacher’s assurances this led to him gaining a reputation with the other teachers and children as a naughty child and an easy target for any false accusations pointed at him throughout his school life. One of the most blatant was in the 3rd year class when the headmaster accused my son being found with the stolen £5 note of another boy. I went into school and directly asked th headmaster who had found my son with the £5 note and was told it was his form teacher. I turned on my heel and went directly to the form teacher and asked when he had found my son with the £5 note and the teacher said he didn’t know what I was talking about, he had never found him with a £5 note. (It turned out there never was any money stolen). I went straight back to the headmaster and he was ready for me, realising I had caught him out in his life. His excuse? “Well I had to make an example out of someone.”
This seemed to set a precedent for the headmaster to prove my son was a bad boy. I made sure I defended him when I knew the facts but it had a lifelong effect on my sensitive child.
Hi Jean,
I’m so sorry for what you and your son must have gone through. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us
Dear Sonia, Please get therapy for your son. I need therapy too now again. I was shamed, humiliated, and bullied by the meanest, most hellish teacher you never want to meet, AND I was a student-teacher in her class with an MEd just trying to get credentialed!! My love for children and standing in the gap for those in her class put me in the line of fire too. I also felt like throwing up everytime I saw the principal who basically began ogling me. So how was I supposed to go to him for help?
Something must be done. I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. Just know, you are not alone. Pray and seek help. Would homeschooling be a viable option for you and your son? Do I need to start putting my awesome math lessons online for free from now on?
My son was assaulted by a teacher (xxx) at Boulder Creek Elementary in Mesa AZ. No one at the school informed me. The school did not assure me this teacher would not be teaching in the school after this assault. I was told if she returns to the school he would not interact with her. Other student mentioned (xxx) was saying weird things to the students weeks before the assault. My son is not the same after this happened to him.
Sadly my autistic son has been a victim of teacher bullying. She repeatedly said no to using the toilet everyday several times a day and made him do it in his trousers. Sadly after her admitting it she unfortunately got away with it because they did not “document” her admitting it. After fighting for a year and reporting it to the relevant people a place has finally come available at a new school so I will be moving it. I feel sorry for the children who have a bully teacher.
I’ll try to keep it short 🤞🏼. My son had a Pokémon card in his bookbag today that he accidentally forgot. He made a comment about Pokémon that his teacher overheard him say at the end of the day. So she demanded to search his bookbag. She found the Pokémon card and proceeded to rip it up in front of him saying those are the “consequences”. What kind of unprofessional bs is that 🤬. Do I agree with my son having the Pokémon cards? No. Rather than my sons property being destroyed and trashed in front of him and the whole class why wasn’t I called. Smdh I get these teachers go thru A LOT but he didn’t have it out during class so why the need to be such a bully to your own student. Smh she had my son in tears humiliated in front of his class 😤😐.
I feel you! Thanks for sharing
This is wrong. Children have rights and his card is private personal property and nobody should be violating a child’s boundaries like that! Call it what it is. Even one boundary violation can impact a child for life. The moment of the search your child “FELT” a violation to his sovereignty that should be protected. There was a Pokemon club at my son’s school where they played Pokemon every day after school. Pokemon is a socially acceptable childhood fascination and is also good for all kinds of skills and learning. Learning all the names and types the power they have which ones are good fighters and against whom. It gets the brain thinking very complex processes of using the right card against the right opponent card to win. Each Pokemon has unique attributes that make them special.
What the teacher did is going to impact him more than the incident itself because she has abused her power and authority on a child who needs to trust her in order to learn and she just blew that. We need to name these behaviours and call them out for what they are. THAT TEACHER ABUSED YOUR CHILD. HER ACTION WAS VIOLENT AND HEALTH HARMING AND OUGHT NOT TO HAVE HAPPENED. Children need to “FEEL” safe in order to learn and she just engaged his physiology because he will not feel safe unless and until she takes responsibility and accountability for violating the boundaries of a child and apologizes in front of whole class owning her bad behavior and conduct and promises to try and be more respectful in the future. She has an ETHICAL and MORAL obligation to all students to treat them with dignity and respect and what she did is ABUSIVE and not respectful and we as parents must stand up for our children and at least call her out on it so your child sees you standing up for his right to be treated with dignity and respect and that she has lost your respect. File a complaint if she won’t work with you and fix the wound she created by her lack of impulse control and injuring your child. Hug your child, tell him it is not his fault. Hugs to you too! This should not have happened. L’Chaim
Hello,my name is Sonia,
My son recently called me from the High school in which he is Senior class member, telling me to pick him up from the nurses office; he’d been throwing up and needed to be home. He was having some sort of anxiety attack and with few words let me know that his class’ teacher had been rude to him. He’d gone up to the teachers desk to ask her if he still had a chance at passing her class or was he sinking already, you see he knew he was having trouble getting his grades up and was about to be sent to another school where he would get the help he needed ; the issue isn’t that he was failing that was already established but my son still wanted to know if he had a chance in passing her class. This is where the teacher proceeded to call him a codependent person and that she had no sympathy for him. She then proceeded to tell the rest of the classroom not to pick him for their group project. These are just a few of the of other slanderous words that were projected towards my child in that instance. When we got home my son kind of explained what had transpired in the classroom. He then went to the bathroom. After a while he came out of the bathroom and continued sharing his experience and how it was difficult to handle it all, then he showed me some slight cuts on both his wrists; he had attempted to commit suicide but said he couldn’t do it. My heart sank with feelings of terror at the thought of losing my only child. I felt helpless because I wasn’t there to help him and protect him when he needed me the most. I then immediately called the school to set up a meeting because this situation had to be addressed. I was angry but I kept it under control. Then Christmas vacation interrupted the ongoing investigation. I only received one call where a school official let me know in so many words that really nothing happened.theynever set up the meeting or called me back anymore.
Hi Sonia,
I’m so so sorry for you and your son.
Remember that you have a right to insist on a meeting with the school authorities. Write down everything your son told you as objectively as possible and don’t forget to document his behavior at home. Given that this happened in the classroom, it should be easy to get witnesses willing to talk about what happened.
Your son seems to be in a bad place right now. I would suggest getting him professional help to get out all the big emotions he has to deal with.
Hope everything turns out well.
Dearest Sonia,
I am so sorry you are going through this. The SCHOOLS is what is CAUSING what the school is calling mental illnesses. Your son is have a normal reaction to what is abnormal and the school will stand firmly on your child is abnormal and what the school does is normal. This does not help our children. Teachers are not following the ethical and moral standards that permits and grants them their credentials to teach. File a Complaint. The Professional Educator Licensing and Standards Board prefers that complaints be submitted in writing. Reports are not accepted via email due to data privacy concerns and computer security issues. The complaint should contain the name of the teacher, school and school district; specific information about the alleged misconduct; name and mailing address of the complainant. Complaints can be sent to Teacher Ethics, Professional Educator Licensing and Standards Board in the state you live in. Tell you son I am proud of him. I know how much strength and courage it took him to approach that teacher and if she was easy to speak with, caring, and professional he would not be failing at all. That teacher was not approachable, he ignored his gut feeling to approach and his gut feeling was spot on, now he is stuck- he will self blame for approaching when it is NOT HIS FAULT. That teacher has caused psychological damage to a child. That teacher wounded your child. The wound is physiological not psychological and she caused an injury and his response is a normal response to an adverse experience making him feel worthless and that should never happen! Children especially adolescents DO NOT HAVE an adult brain. They do not have the intellectual capacity to fault and blame the teacher because they are dependent on the adults to protect them from harm and when the ones who are supposed to protect you hurt you it is devastatingly destructive. to the child. It is not his fault and you can tell him that all day long. The problem is he FEELS like it is his fault and something is wrong with him. He is a normal human being reacting to an abnormal situation. This is abuse and neglect and needs to be named and called out for what it is by adults who do not abuse and neglect children. This is TOXIC SOCIALIZATION. Knowing what it is and knowing who is responsible for causing it won’t change the way it feels even when you know intellectually it is not your fault it still hurts. It is painful. Pain that ought not be but is. Pain is pain and intentional or unintentional does not change the state of pain your child is feeling. He was brave to try and I am sorry he was abused and neglected he deserved to be treated with dingily and respect no matter if he had an A or an F. Your child matters, he matters, to you, he matters to his family, he matters to others, we need more people like him in the world. He has special and unique talents and interests that make him valuable and necessary in big picture. Never again after school will he be forced into a situation he can’t walk away from. After school you can walk away from people like that after school he is free to leave any environment if it is unhealthy or toxic like his school is. Huggles L’Chaim